The road ahead of all
by Hardwolf
Summary: Au. Shepard was used to being a fierce man, with no strings attached in his life until he met his lieutenant. Kaidan never thought that I could break the principles that his parents taught him, until he met his Commander John Shepard. John died, and when he come back from the death he wanted to start where he had left all with Kaidan, but...
1. Doubts

John couldn't sleep it was late at night, so he decided to go take a shower, maybe if he cooled a bit he could fall asleep. He clearly knew which, was the cause of his sleepless nights, his Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. He couldn't stop thinking about him, the thing was that he knew he was his commander, and that he can't have a relationship with anyone in his crew, but he was fighting with himself not to fall.

For several weeks, he had started to feel a very strong attraction for his lieutenant. He had tried in any possible way to get his Lieutenant out of his mind unable to do so. Each passing day it was getting more difficult to treat him as any member of his crew. Kaidan was suffering from constant headaches, and when he see him suffering, he felt bad, which he had never felt before by anyone.

John had always been a hard man. He had not felt the need to be with anyone but for pleasure into now. He couldn't deny that he liked sex, hell he was a man. He used to go to bars meet someone have a good time, and then every man for himself, of course he didn't felt proud of that, but so far he had not had that chemistry with anyone but Kaidan. His lieutenant knew how to leave him without breathing only with his proximity.

He could see on Kaidan, that look of desire when for some reason or another their eyes met. Many times he has found Kaidan blushing when their bodies accidentally brushed one to the other, and he looked cute when he does.

John left his cabin toward the bathrooms. He entered the bathroom, and immediately he began to hear a whisper. John approached the showers realizing someone was taking a shower, but what make him more curious was that someone was moaning his name.

"Shepard ..."

John bit his lips as he recognized the voice of his lieutenant. He turn around to exit the bathroom, but then his lieutenant moaned his name heavily, John knew that tone of voice, because he used as he gives pleasure to himself while thinking of his lieutenant, he knew Kaidan was close to cum.

Yes, he was commander, but he was also a man, and he couldn't stand the temptation, so he put the towel on one of the benches, and headed for the shower opening the curtain abruptly.

"Shepard!"

John just grabs Kaidan's cock then pushed him against the wall of the shower. He stared at him while begins to strokes his cock. Kaidan cock was hard and big as he liked, he could not describe the pleasure he felt when he touch it.

"Commander-"

John interrupted him with a passionate kiss. He is not surprised when he felt Kaidan's hand behind his head, corresponding to his kiss with the same intensity, the man was moaning his name few seconds ago. John didn't care that his clothes were wetting wet with the water, he was finally doing what he had been wishing for a long time.

His own cock was screaming to get out of his pants, so he moaned when he felt Kaidan unzipping his pants and pulling out his cock to stroke it faster. Definitely his Lieutenant know what he was doing, by the pleasure his hand was making him feel. John moan loudly

It had been years since the last time he felted the touch of other hands that were not his own on his cock, and Kaidan's hand felt perfect it felt right. He was lowering his lips to his lieutenant's neck, kissing his neck softly.

"Shepard this is-"

"Shh ... just enjoy it Lt." John demanded with his voice hoarse with desire before biting his neck tightly, listening to him moan with pleasure. He knew that in the fast way they were touching themselves they would not last long. John didn't know how much time had passed for Kaidan, but for him, several weeks had passed since the last time he pleasures himself.

Kaidan's moans were wearing him to the edge of madness. He moved his head to the side, so that Kaidan could kiss his neck easily. It was exciting and maddening, to feel his Lieutenant tremble with desire in his arms. Who knew that his shy Lieutenant could make him feel so much pleasure?

By then his clothes were soaked, but he could not feel it, the only thing he could feel was Kaidan's hands on his cock, and his moans in his ear. They started rubbing their cocks together making the sensation biggest. It wasn't long when they joined in a groan, when they came together, smearing their cocks with cum.

John leaned his forehead in Kaidan's shoulder for a moment, breathing hard like Kaidan. Then he pulls away from him to cleaning his cock, and without a word he left the shower his body was satisfied, but full of guilt, not by what had just happened, that was absolutely wrong, but because he wasn't feeling regret for the contrary, he wanted more much more of his lieutenant.

He looked at Kaidan for a moment before leaving, and he could see the same look of guilt, but his eyes did not indicate to him if, he was sorry for what just had happened between them, and he hope not.

He arrived at his cabin, and take off his wet clothes, getting into the bed completely naked, closing his eyes; he still could hear and feel Kaidan. He didn't understand, what was going on with him. He wasn't a man of bonds, or sentimentality, then why now he was feeling the impulse to have Kaidan on his bed, just hugging him.

"Damnit!" He left without saying a word, what would Kaidan be thinking about him right now, If it had been another man he wouldn't have minded what Kaidan thought about him, but he didn't want Kaidan to think that he was a moment of passion to him.

He takes his finger to his lips sighing; he had never kissed so tasty lips such as Kaidan's, and had kissed many before. He had never done anything like that before, but he couldn't hold the urge when he hears his lieutenant moan his name like that.

"Stop Commander Shepard, put yourself together," he thought aloud. He need to control himself and stop thinking about Kaidan, before his body started to wake again, then he will have to go in search of his lieutenant. After a while, he could fall asleep peacefully.

* * *

After that, the relationship between his Lieutenant, and he could not be more odd. He realized that Kaidan was avoiding him. In they last mission Kaidan only spoke to him exclusively, to ask something related to the mission. Maybe he is angry at the way he left that night, or he was simply ashamed of what happened between them, or worse Kaidan don't care.

He was acting as if nothing had happened between them, and that was bothering him, also the fact that now he is been seeing him talking with Ashley a lot, making he feel terrible jealousy, and he never felt jealous before for no one.

He wanted to approach him to talk about what happened, to tell him the he was dying to be with him all night, and that what happened in the bathroom, mean something to him, it wasn't an adventure, yes it was crazy, but it was what he wanted.

Every time he tried to talk alone with him, he always slipped away with a stupid excuse, and John Shepard wasn't going to beg anyone. For more the he was dying of desire for Kaidan, he was not going to budge to his lieutenant.

Right now he was looking intensely at Kaidan while he worked on his post. His lieutenant was attractive in his ass ... "Shit!" He was getting turning on just looking at him. Suddenly their eyes met, but John didn't see that look full of desire that his Lieutenant used to give him, if not a cold look. That look hurt him.

"Hey skipper!"

John gave Ashley a cold look. "What?" He said dryly.

"Woo, why the bad mood?"

"What do you want chief?" John asks her quickly.

"Nothing. Jesus Skipper! You need to let out some that stress that you have."

"And how you suggested me to do that Ash?" John asked her a little uncomfortable with her comment.

"Well, I can think of many ways Commander."

John looked toward at Kaidan, who now was staring angrily at him, then looked at Ash again. "Chief, you are offering yourself to your commander?" John asks her looking at her seriously.

"No! Jesus Skipper, what kind of woman do you think I am, I meant to share a few drinks together."

John rubbed his neck, thinking for a moment, "I-"

"Why humans have to be so complicated, Shepard don't you see the lady want with you?" Wrex said.

'Wrex I'm not! "

"Oh, I saw how you look at him, and you're not the only one," Wrex said, looking toward Kaidan.

"Oh really," Ashley said.

"Stop," John said. "Another day chief, I'm not in the mood right now."

"That's the point Shepard!"

John only ignored her last comment and headed toward his cabin, after enter he grabs a data-pad in sat on his couch. He had to fill the report from his last mission, but he realized it had been completed, by his lieutenant. "Damnit!" Even in that his lieutenant was perfect. That was one of the things that attracted him toward Kaidan, his dedication to his work. Kaidan was a man of integrity, when he read his personnel file; he realized that he had an unblemished record. Not like him.

John used to be a criminal, he was born in one of the massive cities that have spread across the Earth, and he was raised on the streets. At 18, he escaped his life of pretty crime and gangland violence, enlisting in the Alliance military.

He was a war hero, in his early days of military service, the colony planet Elysium, located at the Skyllian Verge was attacked by pirates and mercenaries in what would be called the Skyllian Blitz. He single-handedly rallied resistance efforts at key positions until Alliance reinforcements arrived; His actions on that day have made him a hero.

He poured himself a drink, sighing at the solitude of his cabin. He had had lovers before, but none of them had caused him insomnia as Kaidan does. He remembers the first time he saw him, he felt a tingling throughout his whole body, after that day he life change.

Apart from all, Kaidan was his friend, he know how understand and obey his orders without cynical comment like some of his crew, like Ashley, she was an excellent soldier, but often she infuriated him with her words of double meaning, besides her religious opinions were sometimes were out of place or wasn't the right time.

A few minutes later his torment walks through the door. John saw Kaidan stand in front of him, putting his hands behind him; he looked like a soldier that came out from a TV ad. He looked divinely handsome.

"Commander, forgive my boldness to enter you cabin unannounced, but I need to talk to you."

"Now you want to talk to me Lieutenant, the last few days you had been avoiding me," John said coldly trying to keep his emotions in check.

"I needed time to think about what happen... I need you permission to speak freely."

John took a deep breath and settled back on his couch, staring intently before answering. "Sure Lieutenant, shoot ..." John noticed that he was looking up, avoiding his gaze.

"What happened between us wasn't right, it was against the Alliance's rules, and against the principles that my parents gave me ... You are my commander, and there regulate against fraternization. I think is better it's not happen again. That was all I had to say now with your permission I should go."

John saw him turn around. "You are a coward," John said.

Kaidan turned around again, "What you just say to me sir?"

"Oh, cut the formalities Lieutenant, just a few days ago you were moaning my name in the bathroom."

'Sir!"

"I told you to cut the crap, with your absurd formalities. You're a coward for not have the guts to admit that you have feelings for me-"

'"I don't-"

"You don't what?" John said getting up from the couch to face him. "Do you think I'm going to walk through my ship masturbating my whole crew? No Damn! Your moans awakened in me the desire I have been repressing for you all this time, and don't tell me you don't know what I mean, because you also feel the same for me, if not, I would haven't found you masturbating in the bathroom obviously thinking about me," John shouted in his face. He didn't want to yell but he couldn't help the anger he felt, seeing the way he wanted to deny that something was going on between them.

"Okay Shepard, I admit, I like you, but it is wrong, there are rules -"

'Yes, I already hear you; oh you don't think I know that as Commander is wrong for me to set my eyes on someone in my crew, but I don't care about those rules, I want it all with you," John openly said, as he had never done with anyone else.

"No! I can't, it goes against all my principles I told you-"

"But you let me touch you Lieutenant, or I have to remind you of how you came in my hand, or moaned in my ear. Where were your principles that night Lieutenant Alenko?" John said looking at him furiously. He just screaming that he wanted everything with him, and he was rejecting him, nobody had ever said no to him.

"I... I get carried away by what I feel for you ..."

"What do you feel for me?" John saw him move away from him.

"I don't know damn it!"

"I'm not going to beg you Lieutenant. It hasn't, yet, born the man who makes me humiliate," John lied; he was so close to beg him.

"I don't want you to, and yes, I imagine that a man like you, Commander Shepard, will not beg to someone as insignificant as me."

"By God's saints I didn't mean it like that Kaidan," John said quickly, whether, he was proud to have a man like Kaidan in his crew.

"Forget what happened, please Shepard."

"No!"

"Shepard!"

'"What I'm going to do is, order you to go in sleep on what we just talked here tonight, and in what I'm about to tell you." John approached him. "I'm sorry for leaving without saying a word, but I was confused. I want you to know that what happened between us meant a lot to me," John grabbed his cheek, "think about of that tonight. I really want to be with you, so tonight think carefully it is worth it throws away something as strong of what we're feeling about each other."

"Shepard-"

John interrupted him with a tender kiss. "I've never begged anyone, but I'm asking you that you think about it. Now go," John said then he moves away from him.

"Shepard-"

"Go sleep on it Lieutenant, "John said, returning to the couch. He saw him hesitate for a moment, and then leave the cabin.

He took a deep breath, and then he grabs his glass of whiskey. He didn't know what he was doing, the only thing he knew was, that everything he had told Kaidan was the pure true, he wanted his Lieutenant, he was no longer confused.

He don't understood what he was feeling for his lieutenant, the only thing he knew is that this feeling was strong enough to go against any rules.


	2. No more doubts

Kaidan felt that his head was about to explode from thinking too much about John. It had been two days since his commander ordered him to think things through. The thing was that he was sure about his feeling toward his commander, but to start a relationship with him it goes against everything his father taught him. His father taught him good values like to never lay eyes on anyone who worked with him, let alone with his superiors. A lot of what he is now he owes it to his father

That day in the bathroom he couldn't stand the desire he felt by what had just happened with his commander early. Shepard was always aware of him, and that day he was leaning against the wall trying to relax, when Shepard stood in front of him putting his hand on the wall, and looked at him with a loaded look of desire for a moment as if he wanted to say something, but he didn't dare to do so, and then his Commander just turned around and left leaving Kaidan breathless. That turn him on in a way he had no choice but to go to the bathroom, as his share his quarters with Ashley to satisfy himself, he would have never imagined that his commander would appear at that moment, and join him as he did.

He tried to say no, but the desire he was feeling for his Commander, was stronger than his values. Now he doesn't know what to do. He wanted to be with Shepard, there was no doubt about it. The Commander was the hottest man that he had ever met in his life, and he wasn't a man of the world, but he had a few relationships in the past, nothing serious, but he had never been with a man like Shepard. That night in the bathroom Shepard made him feels things that he never had felt with anyone else, and that was only with his hand.

Now lying on the bed in his quarters he felt very confused. If, he started a relationship with his commander, and his father found out he would be a shame of him. His father served for the Alliance for many years, it would be hard for him not to his mother, and she was an angel, an angel that he adored, he loves his mother madly. Yes he was a grown man, but he respected his father, and he was very close to his parents.

He looked toward the empty bed where Ashley sleeps; she had gone down to the Citadel with Shepard, and Garrus. He had been avoiding his Commander; Shepard kept looking at him, with that sultry look that melted him inside. Kaidan knew John was furious with him for avoiding him that is why he didn't invite him to go down with them.

He closed his eyes unable to avoid thinking about that night. The stirred breath of his commander, his moans in his ear, that man was nothing like the man he saw in combat, that hard man capable of anything to achieve his goal. Now he couldn't deny that he wanted more of him, he wanted to know how his Commander is on the bed if Shepard is rough on the bed as he is with his enemies.

Kaidan was a hopeless romantic man; he liked the words and expressions of love. He liked to please the person he was in those moments. He couldn't deny that he liked some action on the bed, and occasionally rude.

But what most worried him was that if, the Alliance find out what had happened between them, or if he decided to have a relationship with his commander, and they found out his commander could lose his job if, that happened he will not forgive himself.

"Damn mom, why you're not here?" Kaidan thought aloud.

His mother knew how to advise him, and now he needed advice from his mom more than ever. He thought to send her a message, but those are things that are said in person.

Kaidan saw his onmitool flashing, he opened Ashley send he a message asking him to join them in the Citadel, Shepard was drinking more than usual, and she sensed that it would not be a very good night, or and the she was also a litter to drunk.

"Damnit!"

Kaidan quickly put clothes on and went toward the CIC. Joker was taking with Wrex.

"Joker I'll go for the Commander, Ashley sent me a message, it seems that our Commander is a little drunk."

"I wonder why?" Wrex said.

"Me too," Joker said.

Kaidan crossed his arm and looked at them seriously, "okay you two spit it out."

Wrex cleared his throat. "Well, Shepard is drooling for you, and you take the luxury of rejecting him, the poor man walks with wounded pride. Humans…Krogans we don't take a not for a answer."

"Man Kaidan you have guts," Joker said.

"Why?"

"For despise a man like the Commander."

"I say," Wrex says.

"What makes you two think that Shepard is interested in me?" Kaidan asked pretending to be silly, to see how much they know about the situation between his Commander and him.

"Lol, you humans are so complicated, Kaidan Shepard stares at you for times and times, drooling over you."

"That is why when you make a comment, Shepard doesn't say anything, but it is my Shepard insults me," Joker said.

"Don't say that Joker, Shepard likes you; also don't talk about what you don't know. I don't despise Shepard are other things that are at stake. Now I'm leaving."

After a while, Kaidan arrived to flux, and the thing was worse than he thought. Shepard was dancing with Ashley, teetering on the dance floor. Shepard was a bad dancer, but drunk it was humiliating. He approached Garrus that was leaning against the bar watching them being ridiculous.

"Garrus why you let him drink so much, no one had to be seeing Shepard like that."

"Try telling Shepard not to drink the man always carries a gun all the time, and he is like that because of you."

'"Me!"

"Oh, don't play the fool; he won't stop talking about you ..."

"For the love of God," Kaidan walks to the dance floor. Shepard was all over Ashely, and that infuriated him.

"Commander Shepard, Ashely is time to go."

John looked at Kaidan angrily. "Who says Lieutenant?"

"My."

"You can't give me orders." John put his arm around Ashley. "Look at our Lieutenant, Chief, see our perfect Kaidan Alenko who believed it too good to accept his commander."

"You have my Shepard," Ashley said.

Kaidan observe how Shepard stroked Ashley's cheek. Kaidan turn his face, but what Shepard answers to her surprised him.

"Sorry Ashley, you're beautiful, but I want him too bad his values are stronger than what he feels for me," John said sadly, and then he let go of her, to go to the bar.

"Damnit Lt. You are a fool, I will do anything to had that man, and you that can have him give yourself the luxury of rejecting him is because you are nothing but a Idiot!"

Kaidan looked at her angrily, but she was right then he followed them to the bar. He asked Garrus to take Ashley back to the Normandy, then he stand next to his commander that was ordered two drinks.

"Shepard -"

"You can share a drink with me at least, or your integrity doesn't allow you to drink with you Commander, Lt?"

"Okay, but only one and we're leaving." Kaidan preferred not to argue with him.

"Whatever you say, Lt."

"Why are you doing this? You were giving a show, what people will think of the great Commander Shepard."

"Because of you, and I don't care what people think of my Lt."

"For me?" Kaidan asks him sipping his drink.

"Your rejection is driving me crazy no one had ever rejected me as you do. Tell me you didn't like what happened between us?" John said bitterly.

"Yes I do like it Shepard, I can't stop thinking about that ..."

"You thought about what we talked the other night?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"I don't know."

"You want me to beg you Lt?" John yelled.

"Don't shout, and stop calling me Lieutenant, and no, you don't need to beg me I already told you that."

"Is John."

"What?"

"My name is John, Kaidan. John Shepard," John said with frustration.

"Okay I got it John," Kaidan laughed finishing his drink, then he let out a sigh, he was going to need more than a drink to deal with his drunken commander, so he ordered two drink because he knew it wasn't worth trying to prevent John for drinking, he would do it anyway.

John moved closer to him brushing his shoulder with Kaidan's, then stared at him. "You want to dance with me?"

"You're crazy!"

"That bad?"

"Yes!"

"Shit, you don't want sex with me, and you don't want to dance with me either!" John said sadly.

"I never said I don't want to have sex with you, what I say was that it wasn't right."

"Oh."

Kaidan saw him smile, and he lost himself in his eyes for a moment. John had a beautiful eye color. "Damnit don't t look at me like that."

"Why?" John whispered in his ear.

"John-"

"It turns you on?"

"You have no idea."

"I got it. I feel the same when you look at me," John grabbed his hand. "Please stop fighting with your feelings."

Kaidan lower his gaze to his hand, on another occasion he would have protested for showing affection in public, but now looking at his plea in his eye he couldn't do it. John wasn't looking at him with desire, or as a hunter to his prey; his commander was affectionately watching him, a look that touched his heart. At such times, his doubts were cleared, he realized that he could no longer struggling with his feelings toward his Commander.

"I will, but I will ask you something."

"Whatever you want."

"Let's be discrete, I don't want Anderson or the Alliance to find out. I don't want you to lose your position of Commander because of me; I would not forgive myself..."

"I'll try, Kaidan this feeling is new for me, I don't understand myself, what I know is that I don't mind the rules, just to have you by my side."

"God John how can you says that?"

"Kaidan I 'm not like you, yes, I'm a hero for what I did, but I grew up on the street, I never had anyone who cared for me. I never worry about anyone, but you ..." John grabbed his cheek, " you ... you're a mystery to me, one look of yours is capable of making me feel things I never thought to feel."

Kaidan chuckled, hearing those words from a man like John Shepard, made him feel good, too good.

"John you're drunk you don't know what you're saying."

"That day I wasn't drunk. Kaidan I never thought about having a serious relationship, and now I can't stop thinking about something else."

"John-" Kaidan was interrupted with an intense kiss, making him forget that they were in a bar. Kaidan corresponded to his kiss. "Commander," Kaidan muttered between his lips.

"Do you want to spend the night with me, my dear lieutenant?"

"Yes, but let's stay a while is nice to be here with you."

"Whatever you want, I am here to obey you."

"Nice ..."

Kaidan had never spent such a nice time with someone as he was doing with John. In spite of his commander being drunk, he knew how to behave. Now when they got back to the Normandy it was a different story. It was hard walking without showing the urgency they had, but when they entered the elevator, his commander caught him against the wall kissing him intensely. Kaidan couldn't help but moan when John lowers his hand to his erection stroking over his pants.

The elevator opened, and he saw his Commander moved away breathing hard, and grabbed his hand pulling him in a hurriedly out the elevator. "You're in a hurry."

"Yes!"

"Damnit Commander Sex makes -"

"No," John stood and looked at him for a moment. "Not the sex, I just want you in my arm that is all."

Kaidan looked at the floor blushing. "Then we will not have sex tonight."

John laughed a laugh. "I didn't say that Lieutenant ... let's go."

Arriving at the cabin, his Commander hugged him tightly for a while without saying a word. "John ..."

"What did you do to me?

"Nothing." His commander began to kiss him tenderly without urgency, taking it slowly to the bed.

"Liar, you did something to make me lose control like this."

They stumbled over the bed where Kaidan took a deep breath when his commander began to kiss his neck slowly while he was unbuttoning his shirt.

"I... just ... God..." John's hands on his chest felt good, soft…"

"What?" John said, raising his head to look at him.

Kaidan caress John's cheek softly, watching as he grabbed his hand then bringing it to his mouths to kisses it. "Your hands are very soft, and you're really sweet."

"I thought you knew that ... I mean ... you know the other night ... God you look sexy when you blush."

"Thank you, and that night I was too excited to notice that detail," Kaidan said laughing.

"Let me tell you something, I have many lovers in my young life, they were only to satisfy my need, but they never inspired me to do this."

'"What? '

"I want to love you all night, make you touch the sky with my touch on your body; I want to take you to the madness. I make you feel things that no one made you feel before, so you never want other arms than mine."

Kaidan didn't know what to say, his words his caresses, who were this man, because it wasn't the commander he knew, he was like a different man. How could be two very different people in the same body?

"Be careful Commander, I can fall in love with you ..."

"You have not stopped for a second to think that maybe that's what I want."

Kaidan smiled at him. He couldn't speak, and then he saw John get away from him. "Where are you going?"

"Hold on Lt. I have just the thing to make this night special for us, but never tell anyone that I like those things."

Kaidan saw he search in his drawer and take out a few candles and a CD, then he saw him light the candles, and play the CD, it was a combination of romantic music, and then John got back to his side.

"Commander you are full of surprises."

John chuckled. "You have inspired me; now let me take your clothes off."

"I help you."

"No, tonight let me to be the one to attend you."

He just simply lets John love him. Gradually his commander was taking his clothes off, and then pulled away again to take off his clothes slowly as he stared at him. It was the hottest thing that he had experienced in his life. That day in the shower John saw him naked, but he couldn't see his Commander naked as now, and he was far more fucking handsome.

"Like what you see Lt?"

"Yes, Commander."

"Good, because I do like what I see now too ..."

John returned to his side, Kaidan closed his eyes while his Commander began to kiss his body slowly, he could not keep his body shuddered with his touch, no one had ever touched him that way.

Then John got to his cock, grabbing it then he passes his tongue all over it. He could avoid but moan loudly, there was nothing that he could do to control his moans.

"Ah ... John ..."

"Do you like it Kaidan?"

"Yes ... yes ... Commander is ... feeling so damn good ..."

Kaidan took his hand to John's head as he entered his entire cock inside his mouth, sucking it hard while his hands were playing with his balls. It was ... it was too much sensation, he stand for a while, but after a few minutes he was about to cum in his mouth, John was giving him the best blowjob of his life.

"John ... stops ... you... You're going to make me come." John gave him one last suck and return to his side. Kaidan started kissing him urgently while moving his hips along with John's so that their cocks brush against one another. His Commander bit his neck before kissing him hard again with more intensity. Kaidan couldn't avoid biting John's lips as he lowered his hand to his Commander ass.

"Kaidan ... ah ... shit ... You're driving me crazy."

"My! Commander Look at me, I'm fucking shaking with desire, Please John don't make me wait any longer?" Kaidan needed to feel John inside him.

John laughed. "Yes Sr."

Kaidan saw him grab the lube, and smeared on his cock. His Commander opened his legs enter him slowly. Kaidan saw him close his eyes and biting his lips.

"Ah ... Shit..." Kaidan groaned it had been so long since the last time he had sex, so it hurt a little.

"I'm hurting you?" John asks him with concern pulling back.

"No... Is that it had been so long since the last time I had sex, keep going, please..."

"You're very tight."

"Sorry..."

"Oh no ... is ... is good ... Ah ... Kaidan."

His Commander began to move faster, Kaidan grabbed him by his neck and kissed him. John groaned heavily between his lips. "John Shh ... someone can hear you."

"I can't ... Shit ... Kaidan ... is so good ..."

Kaidan didn't know how much time passed until they reached the orgasm together. John cries heavily in his throat when he came, Kaidan too. His commander stayed quiet on top of him sweaty, breathing hard. Kaidan just spent his arms around him slowly stroking his back. He smiled when John kissed his cheek.

"Do you like it?"

"Yes ... yes ... you're a fiery beast in bed, Commander."

"You too, let me clean you up."

Kaidan saw him go toward where he had his pads grabbing some, and then return to him. After a few minutes, John entered the bed cuddling Kaidan's in his arms, and then kissed him on the forehead.

"What time is it John?"

"Why?"

"I can't stay all night, someone might see me."

"I don't want you to go, please spend all night with me."

Kaidan took a deep breath, "Okay, but I'll leave early."

"You know, this was the best night of my life."

'Why?'

"For the first time, I feel complete by your side, thanks for accepting me in your life, and don't worry, between us we can face all that stands in the road ahead of all."

"Poetic, I like it... I'm happy, you made me feel human. John ..."

"Yes ..."

"Do you believe that one day I can win your love?"

"Ha ... I don't think so, I'm sure ..."


	3. Mars

_John didn't understand what was going on, two years ago he was spending the best days with Kaidan, then something happened and he died. In two years later he comes back from death in the hands of a terrorist organization Cerberus._

_His life changed dramatically, he lost two years of his life two years next to the man he loves. He had been fighting against the collectors since he woke up in that damn base. When the Illusive Man said that Kaidan was here, he ran as fast as possible to prevent anything that happened to him._

_The Alliance turned away from him. He asked Anderson for Kaidan, but he didn't give him any information about Kaidan, and now he had Kaidan in front of him, but that wasn't his Kaidan, this man who he had in front of him was a bitter man._

_"Kaidan, please let me explain," John said grabbing his arm._

_Kaidan let's go of his arm abruptly. "Don't touch me; I don't know who you are. The man I love is dead." Kaidan said moving away from him._

_"NO!" John shouted trying to control the tears. "You can't despise me not you ... Please Kaidan doesn't do this."_ _John could endure the scorn of anyone but Kaidan, but not of his Kaidan._

_"Let him go Shepard," Garrus said trying to grab him._

_"NO," John came loose of Garrus then walk toward Kaidan grabbing him by his cheeks realizing he was crying. "The shower ..."_ _John try to make him remember that day only they knew that happened._

_"What?" Kaidan asked shakily._

_"I found you ... do you remember?" John looks at him and saw his lips tremble. He couldn't longer hold back the tears. "Please it is me… you John…with leave wonderful moment in our apartment."_

_Kaidan put his hand on his cheek. "John-"_

_'Yes ... Yes..."_

_Then the two embraced tightly for a while without giving importance to the curious eyes of Garrus and Jack._

_"I thought you were dead John."_

_"I was ... in a moment I was struggling to hold on to life, and then I woke up on a base. Cerberus brought me back ..." _

_Then abruptly, Kaidan, pulls away from him. "You work for Cerberus?" _

_"No... I'm only using their resources for the good of the colonies ... you know me; I wouldn't do this without good reason. Come with me, it will be like old times." _

_"I never would work for Cerberus you know that. You know what Cerberus is able of doing, but I can see that you've changed John, but I didn't. I know my place is with the Alliance. I have to report this..." _

_"I love you ... don't do this Kaidan." _

_"My Commander never uses those words." _

_"Because I had no time ... Damn I love you ..." _

"_I move on Shepard…"_

_"What do you mean? There someone else in your life Kaidan?" John asked desperately._

_But Kaidan only turned his back at him. He looked at his trembling hands and his gun until he felt Garrus hand on his shoulder. _

_"Shepard." _

_John looked at his friend, without hiding the tears Kaidan had just destroyed him. "Joker," John began to say shakily. "Bring the shutter in I have enough of this place,"_

* * *

"Shepard."

John immediately turned around after hearing the voice of a ghost, "Kaidan!" He said, unable to prevent his heart to beat faster, and then he approaches them.

"Major how was in there with them?"

"It's hard to say, I'm just waiting for orders now."

"Major!"

"Yes, you had not heard?"

"No, I haven't."

"Sorry, Shepard is had been ... well ..."

"Is Okay, it's not like you know that the reapers were coming, and you didn't tell me," John said bitterly, and then he left with Anderson in the direction toward the defense committee. He knew those words were hard, as he also could see the sadness and confusion in Kaidan's eyes, but he felt so much resentment towards Kaidan. He had been in prison for six months and Kaidan didn't even try to contact him.

Then everything was a bloody mess when the reapers came destroying everything. Right now he was running to meet the Normandy. Thanks God Kaidan was alive, yes, he was angry at him, for what happened on the Horizon, but he still loved him dearly, and he didn't want anything to happen to him.

They reached a point where they could send an emergency signal, and after a fight with cannibals for a while side by side with Anderson, the Normandy came in sight.

"Anderson let's go." John ran toward the ship then he jumping on it. Anderson stayed behind, to be the leader of those who stayed behind.

He looked out for a moment, watching as the reapers destroyed everything, then he saw a child look at him before get into ones of the shutter, that was brought down by a reaper beam. John closed his eyes, unable to keep looking any longer.

He enter the Normandy, trying to ignore the penetrating gaze of Kaidan, and after arguing with James, because he didn't want to leave Earth, John had a communication from Admiral Hackett, who ordered him to go to Mars to meet Liara, who was studying the Archives.

"Why Mars, what you think we can find there?" Kaidan said.

"I don't know, but if it helps us win this war ... gear up ..." John said, grabbing his armor. Then he followed to the dressing rooms. He started to change while he was feeling the glare of Kaidan. After James leave them alone he felt Kaidan hand on his shoulder, but John quickly pulled away from him.

"John-"

"It is Commander for you, Major Alenko," John said coldly.

"Commander you okay?" Kaidan ask him a little worried.

John didn't respond immediately, he just finished changing, and before leaving the dressing room, he looked at him straight in the eye. "When you should have worry about me, you did not, now don't try to make me believe that you still care about me because I don't believe you," John said, but the truth is that there were other words he really wanted to say and do, he wanted to hug him, kiss him, but his pride will not allowed him.

He practically had to order his body not turn around and run into his arms, he had to fight an internal struggle to not go back and beg him to return to his side. Today was one of the most miserable days of his life, apart from the day he died, and he couldn't ever have the loving hand of the man he loves.

The way to Mars within the shutter was tense, none of them dared to say anything to each other. John looked at him from the corner of his eye. Kaidan had his hands together and his gaze to the floor thoughtful. John knew he was fighting with himself now, as he was doing it too. They were so close and so far at the same time. John could still remember the last time they made loves before dying. He has died with the word of love between his lips.

Many times he wanted to tell Kaidan how much he already loved him, but he was always waiting for the best time to tell him, then that moment was cut when the Collector attacked his ship, and he died with it.

After James, indicated their arrival at Mars, and let them know that a storm was approaching, John grabbed his helmet and headed toward the shutter door, no without giving a quick look at Kaidan, and then they stood in front of the door. He could feel Kaidan, even though he was not touching him.

"_Kaidan I love you, but you are a stubborn man_ _and you have made me suffer immensely."_

They left the shutter John could see from afar the sandstorm, which would come on top of them soon, so they had to hurry up. They move forward, to meet with Cerberus agent who was annihilating the Alliance soldier. Quickly the three attacked them.

"Those were Cerberus agent?" James asked.

"It seems like it Lieutenant."

"Cerberus, what are they doing over here on Mars?" Kaidan asks him

"I don't know if that's what you're asking me," John said, a little irritated with his question.

_"Damn, you still doubt my Kaidan."_

"Okay, but you can't deny it's a little ... convenient."

John ignored him and continued forward until they reached the elevator. He went to the terminal to activate it.

"Shepard, I need a straight answer," Kaidan demand, pointing his finger at him.

John looked at him shocked for a moment, Kaidan had never dared to speak to him like that, much less point it his finger at him. He took a deep breath, touching the front of his helmet," Kaidan-"

"Do not Kaidan me, this is business. Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?"

John turns around to face him. "What makes you think I know what they're up to?" John asks him with calm tone, trying to maintain control non to snaps at him.

"You worked for them, for god's sake. How am I not supposed to think that?"

John saw Kaidan leaning on the railing, and approached him, at the time; he could easily send him to the hell. He didn't have to give explanations, but his heart betrayed him. "We joined forces to take down the Collectors. That's it."

"_You stupid man, I told you that already on Horizon."_

"There's more to it. They rebuilt you from the ground up. They gave you a ship, resource."

Damnit he wanted to shake him right now to make him understand. "Let me be clear. I've had no contact with Cerberus since I destroyed the Collector base, and I have no idea they're here now or what they want."

"Commander Shepard has been under surveillance since coming back to Earth. No way have they communicated since."

"Sorry, Shepard it's just that…"

The pressure of the elevator interrupted them, and John took off his helmet, "You of all people know what I'm about Kaidan. You are who I never thought, who could challenge me like this," John said while looking at him with eyes filled with tears. Again Kaidan Alenko was breaking his heart.

After exiting the elevator John tried again, "Please trust me," John said meeting with his eyes. For a second, his hands touched with each other making his body shiver, he cursed inwardly, realizing the influence that Kaidan, yet still have over his body.

"I do, I'm sorry I did not mean ..."

Suddenly they heard a noise from the ventilation tube, was Liara, who came running away from two Cerberus agents.

John approached her happy to see her. John had not seen her since the day she went to visit the Normandy, after he help her on Illios.

"Thank the gods you're alive," Liara said.

"Liara," John says.

"I was worried with the reports coming in. They hit earth hard."

"Yes, it was hard to leave like this." Kaidan said, while he was walking toward them.

"I'm sorry, but ... Why'd you came here?"

"Anderson ordered me to come; He says you know what's going on." John said.

"I do," she said, moving away from them towards the window.

"Hallelujah, answers, finally." James said.

"I discovered a plan for a protean device, one that could wipe out the reapers."

John ran to her. "Here? On Mars? We know about the archives for decades. Why now?"

"Elimination process mixed with a little desperation. When you destroyed the alpha relay you bought us time, but then you got put under investigation, I knew I had to do something," Liara explains. She crossed her arms, "Hackett knew too, he contacts me, asking me if I could use my resources as shadow broken to find a way to stop the reapers. My search brought me here. Hackett gave me access to the archives and kept me up to date on your status. I meant to come see you, but... "

"I was under house arrest. There wasn't much I could do to help you, anyway." Shepard said.

"I suppose you're right. In any case, my work pays off. The archives are filled with data from an overwhelmingly amount. I think I found what I needed."

"I guess I'll believe it when I see it. Where we find this weapon?"

"It's not a weapon ... Not yet, is plans for a device, a blueprint."

"It's more than what we had one minutes ago. How we get it?"

"The archives are just across, that tramway." Liara he indicated by pointing out the window. "Assuming it to Cerberus not locked, yet."

"What they're looking for?"

"For the same reason that we are here for us, for the only reason the archives..."

"Why?" John did not understand I wanted Cerberus, what were his motives this time.

"The prophets came close to destroying the reapers. They had a plan to destroy them, but they ran out of time."

"And something powerful enough to destroy the reapers ..." Kaidan began to say to approach them.

"Just maybe it's something that Cerberus might be interested in." John said.

"So is a race to the archives," James says.

Of sudden, they heard another noise, and Cerberus agents were trying to enter the door.

"We've got Company."

"Bring it on," James said ready for the fight.

"No this time, James," John said.

"What?"

"Get back to the shutter. If Cerberus beats us to the Archives, I need you covering the exits," John said while running toward the controls.

"But."

"Now, Lieutenant."

The fight was quick against the agents; the three were powerful biotic, making the fight easier. After that they continued their journey to the Archives. They went outside realized that the storm was coming and that the Alliance was still fighting right through the train with Cerberus. James attempt to communicate, but the transmission was cut off by the storm.

When they enter another area apparently a coffee shop where there were bodies scattered everywhere, it was sad to see what Cerberus had become capable of. He couldn't help thinking that once, he believed that Cerberus wanted the best from humanity when he fought with them against the Collector to help the colonies, and now Cerberus was killing people to achieve some goal that it wasn't clear to him.

"This is brutal even for Cerberus," Liara said.

"Flash Light," John said after seeing more agents through the window, but like the others, they were easy prey.

They came to a room.

"We need to pressurize the room first," Liara say.

"There we go. We have access to the labs, they'll take us right to the tram station," Lira says.

"Hey, there's a recording of what happened here," Kaidan said.

John active the Video, where they could see someone from the Alliance, trying to communicate that he had noticed some odd activity, but was stopped by the doctor, which kill him and the others.

"I guess we know how Cerberus got in," John said turning the Video off. Liara move away from him so is Kaidan.

"I should've realized it when I met her. I was just so focused on finding a way to stop the Reapers," Liara says sadly.

"Stopping the Reapers is the only thing we should be focused on. It's not your fault." John said.

"But what if we're wrong, What if there is no way to stop them? What if this is our last day and we're wasting on nonsense."

"Come on Liara."

Liara approached him, "I know I should not think this Way. I don't know how you do it Shepard?"

Then John simply looked towards Kaidan, before answering her, "When there is so much at stake I just think about what I would lose if I failed." Those words John said in a loud tone, so Kaidan can hear. With those words if Kaidan keeps, doubting him, John would not be so nice next time he comes out with some of his comments with double meanings. He saw Kaidan turn and look at him, and their eyes met for a moment. John would give anything right now to have that shy Lieutenant, of which fell in love again on his arms.

"That's a terrible excuse," Liara said crossing her arm.

"We'll stop Liara together," John said touching her shoulder.

"Thanks. I want to believe you. Okay. Doors open. We can get to the labs and tram station through there."

"Good. Let's move." John walks by Kaidan side, without saying a word.

* * *

Later on, they came to another area the saw another Video.

"It seems that they made it to the Archives," Liara said.

"And I doubt they send us a train," Kaidan said.

John looked at him a moment, before looking at Liara, "you can override it?"

Liara is moved to one of the consoles, "no, the archives are in different network they have us completely locked out."

"Not if I can find a short range helmet communicator helmet to helmet, and we convince them that we are on them side, tell them that Alliance forces have been taken care of." Kaidan said.

"Good idea, go see what you can find." John could feel the curious eyes of Liara, behind him. He turns around "What?"

"The Major is to become very capable," she said smilingly.

John glanced over to where Kaidan was, and turned to look at her, "that he has."

"You two are good Shepard?"

"Not at all, Liara."

"Shepard, I found something," Kaidan, yell.

John headed to where he was, "what do you find?" John asked him.

Kaidan was checking the helmets in one of the bodies of a Cerberus agent, "he has a transmitter in his helmet, if I can ..." Kaidan takes off the helmet revealing the face of the agent, then he stood up, backing up, "my God he looks like a husk."

"Yes, not quite, but they definitely did something to him." John says ducking, and checking the body to find the transmitter.

"And by them you mean Cerberus, they did this to their own guy, is this what they did to you?"

"What the hell Kaidan, how can you compare me to him?" _That's Kaidan, keep up, you're going to wake up that asshole, that is deep inside me_

"Shepard. I don't know what you are? Or who not since Cerberus rebuilt you. For all I know. You could be their puppet, controlled by the Illusive man himself."

"Damnit Kaidan!"

"Don't try to explain it. I don't think I'd understand anyway. I just want to know, is the person I followed the hell and back…the person that I loved…are you still in there…somewhere?"

Right there John lost what little control he had left, he had been telling Kaidan, that he loved him from Horizon, and he didn't believe in his words. Still just a few moments ago he practically shouted that he was fighting for him, and Kaidan still doubted him.

John got face to face to him," I am who I am Alenko, Cerberus brought me back for a purpose, to destroy the reapers and that is what I'm going to do, so you're ether with me or against my make up your mind."

"John I'm I always had been-"

"Don't call me John; you no longer have that right Alenko." John walked away so that Kaidan wouldn't see the tears in his eyes. "You asks me if there still something in me of that man you supposedly loved ... let me see ... " John looked at him again, " you destroyed that man in Horizon, so no, nothing remains of that man, and if you don't like it when we get to the Citadel, I'm going to throw your ass out there then forget that one day I give myself to you." John could see the tears in his eyes, and it hurt deeply to have to talk to the man he loves like that, but he have not giving him a way out. John was tired of his doubts, his accusations.

"John-"

"Major Alenko saves it."

"Kaidan, Shepard, please no do this you two love each other."

"Loved, Liara now let's move on."

John regretted those word a while latter, when Kaidan was lying on the floor. "NO!" John said running towards Kaidan. "Kaidan…Kaidan," Immediately he picks him up. "Hold on I'm going to take you out here, Kaidan."

* * *

After arriving at the Citadel, and after he talks with the consul, John headed to see Kaidan. He entered the room approaching Kaidan's bed, then grabbed his hand

"I know that you can't hear me, but since you can't tell me to get the hell out ether I'm going to take my chances. You can't die Kaidan, everything I told you on Mars, they were just words I was very angry, you make me lose control with your damn doubts towards me. Kaidan I…" John stroked his cheek, "I fell in love with you like a fool, and though I never told you I showed you. Those days we live in our apartment were wonderful. I submit to you completely. I didn't care if I lost my job as a Commander, you were ... you're more important than anything or anyone to me."

John took a deep breath. "Actually I died more than two years ago, but I still dead without you, and even though I don't know if, I can forget what you did to me in Horizon because it hurt me deeply to see that even after hearing my Pleading of love to you, you didn't have a bit of compassion towards me...you just walk away from me leaving me heartbroken I still love you. Kaidan, Yes I might be Commander Shepard, with a reputation as a hard and cruel man, but I have heart, and it's all yours."

John kissed his forehead, wetting it with his tears. "I'm that man you fell in love years ago, please get up from that bed and maybe, I don't know ... we can talk. I know I'm still angry with you, but the truth is that my love for you is so great that I don't know if, I can keep this angry face with you, if the only thing I really wanted to do since I saw you on Earth was hold you in my arms and never let go. After you, it had not been and there will never be anyone, because you are everything I want in life."

"Now take care, I will return to see you when I can ... I love you."

A while later John entered his cabin where he quickly headed to his bottle of whiskey, he needed a drink. After he serves the drink he sat on the bed, his eyes fixed towards Kaidan's photo, which was on his desk opposite to the bed, and there in the solitude of his cabin, he could let his tears run freely.

He couldn't describe how he was feeling at the moment, overwhelmed, hopeless, and lost. John heard the door to his room opened, and he knew who it was. He continued looking at the picture then he felt when Liara sat beside him, and then grabbed his hand.

"Shepard-"

"All I said to him on Mars I did for rage, out of spite, but I didn't felt it."

"I know Shepard."

John looks at her before he took his hand to her cheek. "Why I didn't fall in love with you?"

Liara smiled. "Because .you can't order in your heart Shepard."

"Yes ... is that."

"If he dies-"

"He is not going to died Kaidan is a fighter you know that."

"I love him Liara."

"I know."

"But his doubts, Horizon," John took a deep breath," I don't know," He said shaking his head.

She grabbed him by the back of his head and joined his forehead against John's. "Forgive him. Kaidan has suffered a lot for you."

"I know, and I love him so much that forgets won't be the problem; the problem is that Kaidan believe in me."

"Shepard he will, now try to get some sleep, you'll need it."

"Okay, thanks Liara."

She moves away from him. "You know Shepard; I'll always be here when you need me."

"I know ..."


	4. Huerta memorial hospital

John was drinking in the post observation room, after his mission in Palaven. He couldn't stop thinking about Kaidan. He still had no idea what he would say to him, when he sees him in the hospital. His head was spinning around for thinking so much.

It was only one thing he was sure about it, that he wanted Kaidan back at all costs, but if Kaidan rejected him he didn't know what he was going to do. The brave Commander Shepard and now he was scared at the prospect of losing the only person he has loved in his life.

He looked at his glass of whiskey he had been drinking for more than an hour alone, he really had no desire to talk to anyone. He was feeling a little dizzy already so he decided it was time to go to bed and sleep of, but when he got up the chair he saw his old friend Garrus walked through the door.

"Shepard I was looking for you."

John looked at his empty glass and grabbed the bottle to fill up again. "I had been over here all alone like as always, the story of my life Garrus."

Garrus approached John moving the bottle away from him. "I think you've had enough."

"Garrus you're my friend, but I will not allow-"

"Shut up and listen to me Shepard. Liara told me about what happened with Kaidan, now I understand your attitude Palaven, and the crazy way that you behaved right through the mission like you do not care what happened to you. Kaidan is not dead!"

"I know Garrus, but that's not the biggest problem between us," John let out a sigh, "the problem is that Kaidan no longer wants to be with me…I think," John shook his head. "I do not ... I said things on Mars ... well that now I regret it ... you know me."

"Liara told me about that too. Shepard what is going on with you, I do not know you, your love Kaidan why say those things?"

"Dammit Garrus I get mad. Kaidan doubts me during the mission that blinded me with rage. Everybody accuses me; they push me around as if, I had no feelings. Dammit I am a human being!" John cries out. Since he woke up in that damn base, everyone looked at me like I'm some kind of machine programmed to fight and nothing more" John was feeling frustrated with everything, even with his damn life.

"Calm down Shepard I understand you, but you have to understand that Kaidan has been through a lot, you need to give him some time."

"Yea ... I know... the thing is that I need him. Garrus you know more than anyone how Horizonte hurt me.

"Man if I did not know, you were drunk most all the time between missions. You were crazier than you are these days."

"Fuck you Garrus ..."

'Yea ... yea ... go to sleep Shepard, tomorrow you will need a clear mind to talk to Kaidan, when we get to the Citadel. "

John didn't say anything he just got up from his chair, he touched his friend shoulder in left the room toward Liara room to say good night before heading to his cabin. He made that mistake of entering without knocking.

"Liara I wanted ... Oh," John quickly turned around after see that she was naked. "Sorry."

"Oh, give me a second I was getting my nightgown ..."

"Okay," John said, looking toward the door. "I came to say good night Liara is all."

"You have to leave so soon Commander," Liara said approaching him a moment later, and wrap her arms around his body.

John turned around. "Liara."

Liara touch his cheek gently. "You are to lonely Shepard I can give you some company for tonight."

John looked at her for a moment, he had drunk too much tonight, so his mind wasn't so clear, plus he could not deny that his body needed the touch of another body. It had been so long since the last time he was with Kaidan.

"I better go," John attempts to get away only to be stopped by her. Liara kiss him, and John reacts instinctively. He put his arms around her kissing her back getting lost in that kiss.

"Shepard I want you."

And just like that John pull away from her. "I can't do this; it's not fair to you or me."

"But-"

"NO! Liara if I sleep with you right now I would be only using you just for sex, and tomorrow I will kick myself for doing so; also I can't cheat on Kaidan. I'm sorry," John said making his way toward the door.

"Is me the problem right? I'm not beautiful enough for you? It is always had been Kaidan. Why him and no me?"

"Liara what the hell is wrong with you? Two days ago you were very understanding with me, now you're having a jealously brake down for no reason. I've always loved Kaidan you know that. Dammit I can't sleep with you I'm not that kind of man that sleep with some was just because is horny." John screams with frustration at her. Liara had been a great friend to him up to now, he does not understand the way she is behaving right now.

"Sorry Shepard, I... well, I feel so alone. I've always loved you and Kaidan ... well ... maybe the relationship between you two is done forever I thought -"

"Stop I will get Kaidan back!" John shouted at her angrily, then he just turn around to headed for the door before offend her even more.

John headed to his cabin he needed a cold shower. Immediately he enters his cabin he took off his clothes then headed to the bathroom. He the shower, letting the water falls over his body. He rested his hand on the wall. "Damnit!" He was feeling alone he would give anything to feel Kaidan's touch on his body right now, his lips kissing his neck as they used to do when they showered together.

"I miss you Kaidan," John whisper to thin air

John took his hand to his cock, he was horny he could not deny that, one year had passed since he wake upon that base. He needed to orgasm, so he started to touch himself, thinking of him, remember what happened in Normandy's shower while moaning his name, longing to have him in his arms.

"Kaidan ..." John closed his eyes imagining that his hands were Kaidan's, feeling the heat of Kaidan's hand tucking his cock. He clenched his fist tightly feeling his orgasm near, then when he came he hit the wall while screaming Kaidan's name.

"Shit," He really needed that.

* * *

The next morning he was standing in front of the kiosk in the hospital, thinking what to get for Kaidan. A bottle of whiskey sounded perfect, but a box of chocolate too, so he buys both, and then head toward Kaidan's room.

He stopped half way, through the window he saw Kaidan talking to someone. It was a very beautiful woman indeed, and Kaidan's hand was resting on her hand. John felt awful jealousy. He thought about turning around and not come back, but he needed to know if Kaidan had already forgotten about him.

He entered the room and saw Kaidan remove his hand quickly. "I'm interrupting something?" John spoke seriously, looking deeply at the woman.

"Oh no, I was already leaving. Kaidan darling I will be back to see you later."

John followed her with his eyes until she walked out the door, then he look at Kaidan angrily. "Darling ah, what, is she your girlfriend?" John asked jealously.

Kaidan moved his shoulders confused with his question. "She's just a friend, and my Doctor that is all."

"I don't treat my "friends" like that!"

"Shepard, you're jealous? Because if you are, I will have to remind you that, on Mars, you told me that you didn't feel anything more for me and that nothing remained of the man you were before. You behaved like an asshole with me, so what are you doing over here anyway?"

"I'm the one is behave like an asshole, when it had been you who've been insulting me and doubting me since I saw you in Horizon. You know what, it was a mistake to come here to try to fix things with you; it is obvious that you already replace me. Here, "John put the things he brought on the table beside the bed. "This is for you, give it to her. Goodbye Kaidan," John said shakily. He turns around to leave, with a broken heart, much worse than Horizon.

"No, wait!" Kaidan said grabbing his arm quickly.

John took a deep breath, he was trying to control the tears, but he could not do it, he was a human being, a man madly in love. "Dammit Kaidan, why you are hurt me like that? What did I do to you so you are so hard on me?"

"You die and leave me with a huge emptiness inside me."

"You can't judge me for that. I ... I didn't want to leave you Dammit!"

"I know Shepard is no…way you're crying I've never seen you cry."

John let out a sign, "I have been doing it since I saw you in Horizon. I've never felt so much fear and anxiety as I'm feeling right now at the thought of losing you. You and I never fought before, and now the three times we have seen each other, we have been in each one throat. Kaidan, Please talk to me clearly, and honestly, I want to fix things with you, there is any chance that your come back to me?"

"Sit Shepard, so we can talk."

"It's John."

'You told me on Mars no to call you John."

"Forget what I told you on Mars I was angry at you, I didn't mean anything that I said." John sat in the chair, and grabbed Kaidan's hand to his surprise he didn't reject him. "Kaidan what I said on the Horizon I mean it. I love you."

"John-"

"Please tell me you still love me, give me back my life, my peace of mind. I just returned from Palaven, and nothing is going right...I can't concentrate, I'm restless. I can't stop thinking about you, about us... Please Kaidan -"

"Calm down John. I... I still I love you."

"You do ... and that woman?"

"

I told you she is just a friend who helped me a lot. I'm not going to hide the her and me date for a while, but nothing happened between us, I wasn't ready to start a relationship after our relationship left me so much pain. "

"Our relationship was fine, please don't say that you'd make me happy, and I think I make you happy too. Come back with me, I beg you!"

"I think ... oh God John, yes, but we need to talk we have so many things to say. It had been a long time, and we've both changed. "

John kisses Kaidan's hand and then smiled. "Yes, we have a lot to say, but you're giving me back my happiness. I really need you; I can't do this without you, without your support."

"Okay Commander just gives me time."

"Okay, but when you get out here you going to stay with me in my cabin right? I mean ... we don't need to have sex ... well ... if you don't want to ... I just want your company," John said blushing. He didn't want pressure him, but he really couldn't stand the desire to have him naked in his arms like old times.

Kaidan smiled and stroked his cheek. "You don't change your still the same horny bastard; of course I'll stay with you."

John chuckled. "You know me; I miss you so much ..."

"So what are you waiting for, kiss me?"

John didn't wait another second, and kissed him softly, Kaidan put his hand gently stroking his neck, and John felt his whole body shudder with that caress. He kissed him for a while, enjoying the taste of his lips.

John broke the kiss and cleared his throat. "Woo ... you turn me on with that kiss you know?"

"I know…"

"So tell me, you talk to Udina yet? What the he wanted?" He saw Kaidan moves his shoulders doubtfully, "you still thinking about specter position?"

"It is a great honor ... a huge responsibility. I just had to be sure."

"Hey thanks for the gifts." Kaidan said laughing. "I like everything."

"The whisky it's just a little pick-me up." John said flirting with him.

"Maybe when I get out, we can crack it open and celebrate. I'm so ready to get out of here Shepard, you can't tell, but I'm tied to this bed by medical red tape, I mean doc... Doc says I'm good to go, but then she always finds just one more test to run."

"You're doing okay?" John asks him with concern.

"My implants ... got a little rattled, so the doc wants me to keep the biotic offline for a bit, it's really not a big deal."

"Need a break out?" John joke around.

"Ah, I'll let you know." Kaidan chuckled.

"I'm glad I come. It's good to see that you are going to be okay..."

"Thanks."

"You're almost died on my watch ... It was horrible to see, and you know how I care about what happens to you." John said sadly just remember that moment he saw him lying on the floor terrified him.

"I care for you too. That means a lot, John." Kaidan said as he rested his hand on top of John's, sharing glances for a moment," so, I want to make sure—after mars, after horizon. You and me, we're good right is no hard feelings between us?"

"I think that kiss we share is your answer, don't you think, love."

"Yes you're right."

"Do you feel like we've cleared the air?"

"Yeah, you know, I'm not sure I was wrong about Cerberus, but I've been wrong about you," Kaidan gave him a bright smile, "I should let you go back to Normandy, I wish I can go back with you."

"You're throwing me out ... I can stay longer ... I cleared my schedule to come see you, or do you want me to go, so you doctor friend come inside."

"No and stop the jealousy I told you there is not anything between us. Is that I imagine that you have many things to do but save the galaxy, so-"

"I always had time for you."

"Okay."

"Give me the update Major," John could not deny that he felt proud of him being a Major now.

"Major, yeah," Kaidan laughed.

His laughter made him feel happy. "Congrats there obviously it had been a lot go on."

"Anderson asked me to take over spec ops program, first special operation biotic division. We recruit the most talented human biotic around the galaxy."

"What is the focus?" John asked excitedly for him.

"Covert, high -risk operations. I turn down at first. I mean teaching? I'd rather have my hands dirty."

"Anderson can be pretty persuasive."

"Yeah, a little hard -ass, but you can't argue with his kind of experience, he wasn't going to take a not had to be me."

"With your history you are the perfect choice," John said proudly.

"True, human biotic are- we are different, even freaks. Most people in the galaxy we still see us that Way, but embracing accept it, may be the difference between success and sitting at home with your pj's taking red sand, but I don't have to tell you that."

"You being hurt, are you sure you want right back in the thick of it?" Even though he needs Kaidan by his side he did not want to do it if he was not ready yet. "You can do anything out when you get back to the ship, until you are fit to fight."

"You're kidding?" I want to kick the reapers ass straight to hell, Cerberus too. People close to death say they see their life flash before their eyes. The future flash for me, the anguish, the families, children have made me determined to live. I need to do something Shepard to save at least some lives."

Listening to him talk like that it made him feel very proud. Kaidan had always been a good soldier, a determined man, loyal to the Alliance, and to his principles. He had always been a fighter. He remembers how many times he saw Kaidan struggle with his headaches, but never neglect his work. One of the things that most attracted him from Kaidan was his way of being; Kaidan was one of a kind, the only one left alive with L2 implants.

"You said that your implants got rattled, is everything good?"

"The medical gibberish was a little impressed, but that took away-was rattled. I found a great Doc in the HQ with is fascinated by the L2 implants. I'm Kind of her pet project. The headaches are bad as ever, but her; she has me of acupuncture, med ... and some nasty- tasting concoction. She will not tell me what it is, but my biotic are stronger than ever. Maybe some things get better with age. "

John took the opportunity to flirt with him again. "Oh maybe you have."

"You're flirting with me Commander? ... Wait, wait don't tell me. Let me live in the illusion. "

"Of course I'm. Now tell me, where's your family? Are they safe?" John knew that for Kaidan his parents were a very important part in his life, especially his mother, which Kaidan often used, told him that he adored her.

"My family?" Kaidan let out a sigh." My parents live in Vancouver. But dad's family has an orchard in the BC interior. They were headed out there on a shuttle the day of the attack."

"Have you heard from them?" Shepard asked solemnly.

"No. Not yet. I'm hoping that dad's Alliance training has kept them safe. Must be killing them not knowing where I am."

John could feel the anguish behind his words, and see the sadness in his eyes, so the squeezed his hand tightly in solemnity, and for a moment they just looked at each other. Kaidan had told him that he wanted he to meet his parents one day, and he only hoped that they would survive this, for Kaidan, and for him to have the pleasure of meet them some day

"If, is anything you need Kaidan, don't hesitate to ask me I am with you." Kaidan touched his cheek quickly, it was only a second, but it was enough for him.

"Thank you John."

John saw him looking at him a little weird. "Is something wrong?"

"I just say to you that I had no one that nothing haven between my friend and I, what about you? What about that woman in Horizon?"

John laughed. "I knew I had seen a flash of jealousy in your eyes. No, I don't see myself with someone else, but I won't deny it that I had many opportunities ..."

"With who?"

"Well that women Miranda, Tali -"

"Wait ... waits ... our little Tali?"

"Yes, our little Tali, she wanted a bit of me."

"Funny!"

"Also Jack, but she was crazy."

"I know her. I guess she knows me, we meet in the academy. The Alliance knew she help you, so Anderson gave her a job as a teacher, but her words to me were, ' you are the ass form Horizon, and that grim smile on your face it tell me that you know what I'm referring to."

"Oh God, she used to annoy me, so once she went to my cabin," John saw the warning look that Kaidan gave him, "wait ... wait," John said, putting his hands in front, "she only went down to annoy me, she wanted to know information about Cerberus, that was it, so she saw a picture of you that I kept on my desk, and I told her who was you, she assumed the rest."

"Damnit John the list is big, I just hope no to have competition when I return to the Normandy."

"Well, my pilot Cortez looks at me weird and Liara she tried to make a move on me last night, which I don't understand why she do that, so far she had been very understanding with me, and she knew, damn well that I love you."

"I see!"

"Hey," John stroked his cheek gently. "I have eyes only for you. Kaidan I miss you I miss us," John said smiling to assure him that the there wasn't one else in the world who could make him happy.

"Me too."

"I can't wait into you get out of here."

"As soon as I can get out of here I will don't worry."

Those words filled him with joy. "Kaidan I want a future with you I want children I want to buy that house overlooking the Pacific and I want to meet your parents ... basically what I mean is that I'm all on board with you. I love you." John saw the tears spring from Kaidan's eyes, so he brought his lips to his cheeks wiped Kaidan's tears with his lips. "I told you that to make you happy not to make you cry."

"I just never expected those words from you."

"Why Kaidan, I always showed you how important you are to me."

"I know, but after what I did on the Horizon and Mars I don't deserve your love."

"Hey, that's past ... how about ... I love too."

"Only if you kiss me again."

"I'm happy to obey," John said joining his lips to Kaidan's.

"I love you John ..."

After breaking the kiss they stared at each either for a moment, they had so much to say, more than two years to catch up, John knew that Kaidan had suffered a lot, and he just wanted to give him a little happiness.

"I know we have many things to talk about, many wounds to close, but I think together we can overcome everything we get in the way, you don't believe that?

"You are quite right Commander. Tell me, how are you?"

"Now I feel much better, like I say before I couldn't focus until things were sorted out between us," John let out a sigh, "I can hardly asleep I feel overwhelmed."

"Hang on I'll be with you soon."

"Thanks that means a lot to me."

They talked for a while. John felt happy to hear talk about many things at once, and to see him smile. After they star going out years ago, their relationship was very good. They understood each other, and they had many things in common.

After a while, John went to buy food for the both of them, the hospital food was bad, then after he come back John stayed all afternoon with him.

"John stays with me."

"I was not going to leave you ... and no Doctor going to takes me out of this room ... So now moves a little for me."

"Yes Sr."

John lay besides him snuggling in his arms. "I'm home now," he kiss his cheek. "Hey Kai, you remember that time that I found you playing with yourself screaming my name."

"I was not screaming!"

"Pretty close ... well, last night I wished you had been in my shower."

Kaidan chuckled. "Really Commander!"

"Yes really I did screaming your name again ...I love you Kaidan, never forget that. I'm yours for ever."

"I love you to my Commander."


	5. stand-off

When Kaidan woke up this morning, he didn't think the day would end with him pointing a gun to the man of his life. He was talking to Elizabeth, in the hospital, when a sound was heard throughout the Citadel, and alarms began to sound. Cerberus had invaded the Citadel.

He immediately put on his armor, and ran to Udina office to protect the consuls, to take them to a safe place. They could get to the elevator, but suddenly they heard a noise on the roof of the elevator.

"What is that noise?

"Gunman Get down. He shot the elevator roof. "Go!"

They ran to the shutter, they were damaged. "Cerberus take out the Shutter let move everyone back to elevator. Move!" Then he saw John with Garrus, and Liara exiting the Elevator. Garrus close the door.

"Shepard what is going on?" Kaidan asks John confused to see him there, and his head starts to wander.

"Shepard is blocking our escape, he's with Cerberus." Udina said.

"Just hold on, I got this…Everyone needs to calm down." Kaidan said pointing a John With shaking hands, and looking at him straight in the eyes, confused about what was going on. He couldn't believe he was pointing his gun at the man he loves, but that was his job, he could not think about his feelings right now.

"You're not the one I want Kaidan, is the man behind you." John said.

"What are you talking about Shepard? Put the gun away." Kaidan said, knowing that those words were going to bite him in the ass later. He could see the anger in John's eyes.

"You think I would do this if I was damn certain Kaidan? What I? Undine is behind this attack, Salarian councilor, confirmed it."

Udina approached Kaidan. "Please you don't have proof, you never do," Udina said.

"They are Cerberus soldiers of the elevator shaft behind us. If you open that door they will kill you all," John said pointing at the door.

"What, Shepard is saying is possible, unlikely but possible." The Asari councilor said.

"We have no time for debate this; we are died if we stay here. I'll override the look." Udina said while walking toward the console.

Kaidan saw John point his gun at him again, but in John's eyes he can see the deception towards him. At that moment he realized the mistake he had just make doubting him again. "I'd better not regret this." Kaidan said.

"You won't."

Kaidan turns toward Udina, now pointing his gun at him. "Udina step away from the console."

"To hell with this." The Asari councilor tries to stop him, but Udina push her to the floor and then pulled a gun pointed at her.

"He has a gun." Kaidan yell. He hesitate a moment, when I hear the shot behind him, and saw Udina fall.

"Get the council back and cover that door."

Kaidan looked at John one second after hears his voice noting that he was furious. Now he doesn't know how he is going to fix this mess with him.

A while later he was waiting for John at the entrance to the Citadel a little nervous. He still didn't quite understand everything that had just happened. Of one, thing he was sure, he committed a mistake not lowering his gun immediately as John did.

He rubbed his forehead thinking what he would tell John now. What words would be wise enough so John could understand that he was only doing his job, and he never have dared to shoot him. Knowing his commander John must be as confused as he is right now, but angry very angry with him.

He saw the door open he thought it was John, but it was Garrus. "Hey, Garrus."

"Oh hey, you're waiting for Shepard?" Garrus asked.

"Yes, you have seen him?"

"No, he has to be in the hospital with Thane I think he is dying. Kaidan you still have doubt about Shepard, because if you are, I have to tell you, that you're a complete idiot."

Kaidan wasn't surprised of Garrus words. Garrus had always been good friends with John, and his Turian friend had a great appreciation and respect for the Commander. "No, what happened has me confused Garrus. All the time Cerberus is in the fucking way." Kaidan shook his head. "I never have dared to shoot him Garrus; I was only doing my job."

"Well, I just hope Shepard see it that way. Kaidan, Shepard is not right, he need you. I have seen him suffer a lot for you which are not fair. Shepard has much weight on top to keep an eye on your doubts too."

Kaidan moved to the window looking at the Normandy. "I know." He heard the door again, then he listened to John greet Garrus. He waited for his friend, to leave them alone and then he turns around. "John-"

"What the hell was that Major? How could you point a gun at me?" John yelled pointing his finger at him.

"Commander, I understand your anger, but I was only doing my job. I would have never dared to shoot you. I didn't know what was going on; you didn't tell me what Dalatras told you." Kaidan trying to explain, but he could see that John was enraged with him.

"I 'm not sure about that, the way you looked at me, I could see your hesitation. You doubt me again!" John touched his forehead in bewilderment for a second. "I couldn't warn you on time, but I thought I didn't have to."

Kaidan attempt to grab his hand, but he reject him. "Please John," Kaidan said with despair.

"I need to think ... My head is spinning. I just saw Thane die and he was a good friend. Right now I can think straight."

"I understand. Listen Hackett offered me apposition. I think the best thing is-"

"What the hell, now you're going to tell me that you would prefer to go work with Hackett that with me... Damnit Kaidan, do whatever the hell you want to do."

Kaidan grabbed his hand. "Do not do this-"

John snatched his hand. "I'm tired of your doubts! As much as I love you, and I am dying of desire to be in your arms again, I 'm tired of proving to you that I'm not with Cerberus, God damn Kaidan," John took a deep breath and looked at him sadly. "Maybe I made that mistake of falling in love with you ... Go with Hackett ... and good luck to you ..."

Kaidan bit his trembling lips, he taste his salty tears as John passed by. He saw so much sadness and disappointment in his lover eyes that he felt like someone was sticking a dagger in his chest. Kaidan just let him go, John was right, he didn't deserve the love of this man. He headed to his apartment.

A while later he arrives at the apartment. Kaidan immediately headed to his bottle of whiskey, he needed a drink, and he needed to think what he would do now without the man he loves. His life had no meaning without John.

He headed to the porch sitting in his chair, covering his face with his hand crying uncontrollably. If John knew a little all what he had gone through without him, maybe he could understand it, his behavior.

John's death had turned him on the hard man he was now. After John had died, he concentrated on his work. He covered himself with a hard, cold mask burying the pain to go on.

Kaidan met Elizabeth, on a blind date that his friends did for him, he tries to feel something more than friendship for her, but he couldn't do it he wasn't ready. John was present all the time in his life. His Commander changes his life by making him experience things he never thought experiment. Every day he slept, and got up thinking about him, at least when he wasn't drunk.

Elizabeth gave him support and compression, so they began dating, but their relationship didn't past more than few kisses and nights of frustration. He felt so much pain, he was dead inside to give love to someone else.

Kaidan didn't know how long passed sitting there drinking, staring at nothing, thinking of the crap that was his life until he got a message from Garrus.

_Purgatory now!_

Kaidan quickly left his apartment toward the purgatory. He remembers the time he fined John dancing with Ashley, drunk and angry with him. Things tend to repeat. When he arrived, he headed to the bar. "Garrus what is going on?"

"That's what going on?" Garrus pointed toward the dance floor.

Kaidan looked towards the dance floor, and saw John that was obviously drunk; dancing with a man on the dance floor making him feels awful jealousy. "What the hell! Who is this man?"

"His pilot, but that's not the problem he had been drinking nonstop since he comes back to ship this afternoon. Kaidan I'll give you some advice, you better fixes things with Shepard, or I'll shoot you in the head to end Shepard suffering, "that is you," so what will that be? My rifle, or -"

Kaidan put his hands on the front, "I get it!"

"Okay right, I can't stand to see a man like Shepard, sinking into alcohol and pain because of you."

"Okay I say I get it and Garrus thanks for looking after him you are a damn good friend."

"I care about you too; I think you two had been through a lot, so now you two throw away the second chance that life has given you. Now go get you man."

Kaidan walked to the dance floor, and then he touches Cortez's shoulder. "l take from here you can go."

"Hey what are you doing? I dance with whoever I want, I'm a free man," John said angrily. Kaidan grabbed him by the waist. "No!"

"Stop it," Kaidan said. The music was slow now.

"No ... I hate you!" John said pushing him.

But Kaidan grabbed him again and, without waiting another minute he kisses John, he didn't care where they were or who they were looking at them. John struggle a moment, but then Kaidan felt he surrender to the kiss, and put his arms around him.

"I hate you," John said, hugging him tightly

"And I love you ..." Kaidan muttered between his lips. "I want to be with you, I want us again."

"I don't want to live without you," John said shakily.

"Me neither, forgive me for being so stupid ...Commander, don't leave me without your love," Kaidan asked John, undoubtedly knowing clearly what he wanted in life, his commander.

"You let me go; I thought that you would follow me."

"Would you have listened to me?"

"No..."

"Let's get out of here ... to our apartment for tonight, we'll talk there," Kaidan said as he broke the kiss, and grabbed his hand, exiting out of the bar.

A while later they entered his apartment, Kaidan trying to say something but John covers his mouth with his. "John we need to talk ..."

"Later, I can't wait any longer without you," John said unbuttoning Kaidan shirt.

"Will you forgive me then?"

"Do I always, I'm a mess without you ... I fucking mess Kaidan. I'm one of the most feared men, and when it comes to you I fall apart ..."

Kaidan look at John's teary eyes, he grab his cheeks, brushing his lips with his. "No more ... No more ... I'll be with you, after today nothing will separate me from you. I will never doubt you again, I swear."

Then they gradually came to the bedroom, where it slowly between kisses and caresses they lay down in bed. His Commander kissed him passionately as he used to do, making him moan loudly. It had been more than three years since he feels his body shiver like that.

"God Kaidan, you don't know how I missed the warmth of your body," John whispered in his ear.

"Me too," Kaidan said lowering his hand to John's ass. "I miss you way to long." Kaidan enjoy that position for a while until John turn him around making him let out a moan as he felt John's lips kissing his neck, his back, and his cock rubbing his ass.

His Commander bit his ass, before leaning over him, and grabs his hands as he kissed his neck slowly. Kaidan felt John's hard cock between them. He needed to move, his own cock was so hard, and it was bothering him trapped between the beds.

"John I... need-" He didn't have to finish the sentence when John moved to his side and pulled him. Kaidan climbed on top of his commander. His lover starting to stroke his back slowly, he moved his head so John could kiss his neck easily. "Commander I love you."

"Shout for me."

"I love you!"

Then John took his hand to his neck, looking at him seriously, and at the same time with lust in his eyes "If you doubt me again, and I swear-"

Kaidan put his finger in his mouth. "Suhh," then he lower his lips to John's. "I already swear to you that I will not doubt you again." He whispered on his lips.

John quickly rolls with Kaidan on the bed, to get on top of him again. "I love you," John said again and again between kisses. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I can't function without you."

"Do you ...think ... I can? No ... Commander ..." Kaidan, interrupted their kiss to look at him, "I'm dead without you in my life. Commander I need you to have some meaning in my life, I've been lost all those years, after life take you away from my arms," Kaidan was saying while his tears were falling, "as I told you in the hospital your death leave me empty ... don 't died on my again. You do what you have to do to save the galaxy Commander, but do not ever leave me again o you are going to have to take me with you this time."

John began wiping his tears with kisses. "I promise you love." John said before kissing him. "You still have ..."

"Yes in the drawer." Kaidan saw him pull out the bottle of lubricant from the drawer, then spread on his cock, and his. When his commander entered him, Kaidan scream with a mix of pain and pleasure.

John pulls back. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, it had been a long time is all, don't stop." Then the pain stop and Kaidan started to feel a pleasure that he thought never feel again. He couldn't control his moans. John was moving rapidly above him, but not as fast as he wanted, "Faster love please..."

"Ah ... Shit... Kaidan, you are very tight," John groaned when Kaidan bit his neck.

"I just said it had been a long time…Yes ... like that ... God ... I miss this ..." His Commander kisses him hard. Kaidan felt his cock slip between their stomachs. He was losing Control fast John's cock felt divine in his ass. At one point, he bit John's shoulder tightly.

"Kaidan I love you!"

Kaidan lost the notion of time they lasted loving each other until John change of position, grabbing his legs, and moving faster. He grabs own cock stroking himself fast.

"Kaidan I..."

Kaidan knew that signal, so he lets himself go. They joined a moan reaching the orgasm together, and then John was left breathing heavily on top of him.

Kaidan stroke his back for a while without saying anything. His commander kisses his cheek making him smiles. "Do you like John?"

"God you have no idea, but we're not done yet I just need a few minutes."

"Before, you didn't need a few minutes; you are getting old on me my love?"

John laughed rolling his side, "before I didn't have so many worries on my mind, do you have a beer?"

"Yes, for now but I want you to slow a bit the way you're drinking." Kaidan grabbed the wipes, to clean them both. "Do not move I'll go get the beers."

Kaidan headed to the kitchen, when he comes back to the bedroom John was sitting on the bed with a model ship in his hands.

"Why you didn't finish assembly it?"

"I could do it." He sat beside him and gave him his beer. "But at night I stared for hours at the model, remembering how sometimes you used to forget about me, when you focused on your models."

"Yes ... During my mission to the Collector, I try to forget you, and concentrate on it, but I couldn't stop thinking about you. I Thought I had lost you after Horizon, your words destroyed me inside. .. I..."John wipes his tears. "Kaidan, you really don't know how deep my feelings are for you."

For a moment, Kaidan didn't know what to say, they had already talked about it in the hospital, and he didn't want to keep opening old wounds, but it hurt knows he make John suffer, the man who had done nothing more than to love him. He grabbed his free hand and squeezed tightly.

"I know I fail you. You gave me your trust. It never mattered to you if, you lost your position of Commander, for being with me. You made me happy, you stop to be a Commander, for giving me love and take care of me when I needed you. I already explain why I gave my back to you on the Horizon. I just ... John, when I saw you all the pain that I believed had buried came to the surface, and I let my anger took hold of me. I thought you lied to me making me believe you were dead. I was wrong... I'm sorry."

"I know, but today when I saw you keep your gun pointed at me I almost lost control of myself, I thought that you were going to shoot me. Dammit Kaidan I couldn't have shoot you, if I had, I would have ended with the only thing that makes sense to me, that it's you."

"What kind of specter we are that we can't shoot each other if necessary."

John kisses Kaidan hand gently. "We are two specters, who love each other madly."

Kaidan looked carefully in the circles under John's eyes. "You look tired."

"I'm Kaidan I have a lot of reports to fill out when we come back to the Normandy, we have problems in Tuchanka, and I think with the migrant fleet. I hardly had a moment to rest, I as said in the Hospital I can't hardly sleep I have nightmares almost every night I'm a mess, I need you."

"And in that few nights you can rest, you spend drinking, that need to stop. By the way, the man you were dancing is your pilot, the one you told me that look at you weird?

"Yes," John looks down at her floor. "I was trying not to think about you."

"And after the dance, what would have happened?"

"Nothing! I know I'd end up coming here to beg you like a fool, to return with me, as I said before when it comes to you I 'm weak," John said.

Kaidan smiled at one point, he couldn't deny that it felt great, hearing his Commander talk about his love for him, when anyone else John shouts and orders, with him his commander was a loving man. After a moment, they huddled in bed, naked under the blanket. "Don't worry I am going to help you when we come back to the ship. You want to sleep now if-"

John interrupted him with a kiss, "no, I know that starting today I will be able to sleep more, so I don't want to sleep tonight, let me love you again."

"My body and soul are yours Commander Shepard, do what pleases you ... I love you."

"I love too ..."


End file.
